Having Your Cake: Coming Out of Celibacy

COVID-19, with all its social-busting incarnations and variants, has wreaked havoc on many parts of our lives, sex lives included. I was in session recently with a client, who has, like millions of other singles, had to take matters into her own hands during this extended don’t-get-close-enough-to-breathe-on-me, period.

Over forty and forced into social isolation for the duration of these pandemic years, the involuntary celibacy was getting to her. In the beginning, she was regularly satisfying herself with the help of her ‘energizer bunny.’ But early into year two, she’d broken up with her vibrator and amassed COVID collection of ‘boy toys,’ dubbing them, “one-trick ponies that were now as boring as her ex.” Masturbating had begun to feel more like a chore than self-care. More disturbing to her was the feeling that solo orgasm now seemed like a punishment for being alone and lonely. Her libido dried up, right along with her social life.

But now she had a problem. Recently, as pandemic fatigue set in for us all, she began dating someone she found interesting and attractive but felt no sexual chemistry with. She was upset because in her mind, after living in celibacy for over a year, the right person should and would immediately get her juices flowing.

Perhaps but more than likely not.

 

Havin’ Your Cake

Here’s the thing, long-term celibacy is like being on a serious diet. Say you decide to eliminate sweets, and after two months, someone puts your favorite German chocolate cake in front of you. The likelihood is that you are going to be tempted to taste that cake. Your mouth still remembers the creamy taste of luscious chocolate. Your head tingles at the idea of the coming sugar rush. And if that baker’s delight stays in front of you too long, the probability of you licking yummy icing from your lips is going to be strong.

But let’s say, after nearly two years of not eating any desserts, that same trying-to-bust-my-diet person puts a cake in front of you. You’ve gone so long without sugar and chocolate that you’ve lost your craving for sweets. The temptation to taste is just not there anymore. You have effectively blunted your desire.

The same is true for sex. Long spans of celibacy (whether voluntary or imposed) forces a similar state upon you. When your brain is no longer continually filled with thoughts of sex and you shut down your physical sexual functions, you shut down the sexual energy, which fuels your desire. And if you’re not careful, you also shut down thinking about yourself as a sensual, sexual being.

 

Bringing Sexy (Energy) Back

You know that sexy energy when you feel it. It’s that spark of electricity that makes you stand taller, puts a come-hither glide in your walk, and a twinkle in your eye. It makes you feel happy, eye-catching, and invincible. It’s a powerful force that attracts you and makes you attractive to others.

But beyond attracting someone and maintaining intimate relationships, your sexual energy (which is also creative energy) is a potent force in maintaining your health, feminine confidence, and even your spirituality. Sexual energy is ardent and vibrant. It is just as advertised—energy—a passionate, dynamic force.

 

Seducing the One

One way to get the juices flowing again is to use your alone time, not simply to satisfy yourself by chasing orgasms, but to seduce yourself. Reignite your sexual energy by trying a little self-directed romance, starting with your daily habits and routines.

Bring your sexual energy to the forefront by jump-starting your day with a sexy ‘mind job.’ Wake up to some sexy thoughts, visuals and/or music. Turn on (or create) that playlist, the one that sparks your bad girl imagination and let it be your ear candy as you get ready for a day charged with power of wow.

After your shower, be intentional as you lotion your body with great-smelling oil or lotion. Don’t hurry through this. Reinvigorate your sense of touch as you slowly cover every beautiful inch of your skin and mentally record every physical and emotional sensation you experience. Feel free to fantasize!

Then get dressed for sensuous success. Wear your sexiest lingerie under your most flattering outfit, and the scent that whispers, “oolala.” Be sure to give yourself a heartfelt compliment as you strut out the door. Feeling good about how you look goes a long way toward self-seduction.

Fill your day with thoughts and mini fantasies that fuel creative side of your femininity, always with you at the center. You will soon feel the flush of a tank being refilled and the celibacy-busting glow that comes with it.

The great thing about self-romance and seduction is that you don’t have to worry if nothing moves to the next level. You still get to feel the empowered pleasure of being sexually viable, and visible to others.

 

The Bottom Line

Spend some time alone reviving your sexual energy and putting sex back on your brain. Like that chocolate cake you can’t get off your mind—the more you think about something, the more you have to have it. Sex is no different.

Wake up your sexy mind and get reacquainted with your inner sexiness. You’ll find that the chemistry was there all along.