Have you ever experienced people or partners assuming you’re someone who you know you’re not?  When you look at your action and reactions, are you a personality shifter—one way with some people and another way with others? Do you often feel uncomfortable in your own skin or spend time wishing you were someone else?

If the answer ‘yes’ keeps popping up in your head, it sounds like you might have an unsettling case of the who-am-Is.

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

When asked, ‘tell me about yourself’, many of us find it a difficult and awkward task to tell people who we are, and often give answers that encompass more of what we do.  It makes sense as we pretty much function in this world taking on the attributes of the roles we play. And when it comes to defining ourselves, most of us rely on the outside world to tell us about ourselves.

All the things we do, who we interact with, choices we make when it comes to anything—what TV show to watch, book to read, restaurant to try, perfume to wear, class to take, friendship to pursue—all become clues to who we are.

Sifting Through the Labels

Knowing our preferences helps us define ourselves based on the outside view we share of ourselves with the world.  But it’s the rare person who takes the time to shift through their acquired labels, connect the dots, question their boundaries and values, and challenge the authorities in their lives so they can truly understand and define for themselves who they are.

Most of us use our life’s circumstances, other people’s opinions, our culture, societal norms, and religion to slap together our identity and keep it moving until that overwhelming sense of failure at being someone we’re not, stops us in our tracks. We realize that we don’t have a clue about what we want, what we believe, what we value. It’s no wonder we drift through life living but not feeling truly alive.

And feeling like an unfamiliar stranger to yourself is one of the major roadblocks to having a successful, fulfilling and sustaining relationship with anyone else.

Make Others See You on Your Terms

The benefits of defining yourself through loving eyes are clear.  Self-definition keeps you aligned with your desires, needs, and values.  When you know who you are, and know what you want, self-doubt and distrust melt away, replaced by the empowerment that comes from living life on your own terms.

It’s also a win for the people in your life. By defining yourself for others, they are forced to see you through your eyes, not theirs. They now must deal with the gentle and important boundaries erected based on your values and needs, not theirs. This is extremely helpful and valuable in making relationships work in an honest and truly connected way.  For added support click here to discover how to access the immense joy buried beneath the everyday realities of your life.

Self-Defined Through Self-Love

In addition to the clues you can garner from your daily preferences, here are four tips to get you started on the road to self-definition through self-love.


  1. Pay attention to your sensory preferences. What pleases you through your five senses is a big clue to who you authentically are.  Think about the personality traits and attributes your food, scent, musical preferences, colors, and textures reveal about you.
  2. Take time to explore your core life values. Your personal core values matter…a lot. Without a grounded sense of who you are and where you’re headed, it’s easy to get lost in responsibilities,             stress, and the stronger ideals of others. Core values matter because they act like a compass for the direction we want our life to go. They allow us to dream the ideal life we want to live and to create real ways to achieve it.
  3. Extend to yourself the same loving grace. When you love someone, you accept who they are, as they are—warts and all. You recognize that no human being is perfect, and even when they hurt you, you look beyond the behaviors to the intent of your beloved.  The love you give allows them to be both a masterpiece and a work-in-progress simultaneously. As you go about unraveling the wonders of you, give yourself the same courtesy.
  4. Check your negative thoughts and words. Every time you say, “I am…” and then a word, particularly a word connected with an emotion, the universe hears you and aligns with the energy of that word.  So if you say, “I am lonely,” your vibrations become a magnet for situations that make you feel lonely.  Be aware of your thoughts, your emotions, and your words as you define yourself.  Intention is everything, and now is the time to intend the best.


 As the angels say, “Until you define yourself, you cannot refine your thoughts, actions, and purpose in a manner that fits your true self and mission. Push through the confines of other people’s thoughts and expectations. Outside those boundaries, you will find your truth.” So Says the Light



Hi, I’m Lori Certified Spiritual Love Coach, Author, Confidence Peddler, Angel Scribe, Irreverent Spiritualist, Girl Power Advocate, Love Connoisseur, Sun Lover, Cloud Watcher, Founder, SOL Innovations Coaching Group, The SOLSexy Transformation program and Proud Mom. That’s me, but here’s my official bio:

Lori is a fierce advocate for self-love and the positive ripple effect it has on the larger world. She is an intuitive life/spiritual coach, certified by the International Coach Federation (ICF), author, speaker, and teacher who specializes in 1:1 life coaching centered around self-love and soul alignment. She is also a transformational coach with We Inspire Justice, a social impact group who works with celebrities, influencers and content providers to promote equality, diversity and social justice within the entertainment industry and beyond.

Lori is an Emmy award-winning writer, and author of eight books, and is currently working on her ninth. She is a passionate and motivating speaker who has facilitated workshops all over the country and in Mexico. She is the Health and Wellness Director for the Life Luxe Jazz Festival and is responsible for the creative development and execution of the two-day programming centered around financial, physical, and emotional wellness for POC. She is a founding expert and programming chair of the Living Healthy List, an online source for honest and reliable information of health, wellness, personal development.

Her motto: True Masters Learn through Joy